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Note: If you’ve read my first three posts about my journey to motherhood, then this story will be familiar to you. I pray you find additional encouragement to pursue God’s plan for your life.
I sat in the church sanctuary for evening service, listening to several couples tell unique stories of God’s plan to grow their families through adoption. Tears welled up in my eyes as some talked about infertility being the path God used to lead them to their future children.
My tears were not from sympathy. These were angry tears.
I do not want to hear about adoption. I am supposed to become a mother through pregnancy.
The month my husband and I decided to grow our family, we experienced a miscarriage. Devastated, I traveled to the doctor multiple times a week for six weeks due to complications. My husband and I held hands as yet another technician asked, “Is this an OB ultrasound?” I found myself unsure about how to answer each time.
My hCG levels returned to normal, and we decided that we still wanted to pursue growing our family. My emotions spiraled down as month after month passed without another positive pregnancy test.
By the time I found myself in church listening to the panel of families talk about adoption, I was several months past the first anniversary of the miscarriage.
What’s wrong with me? If You gave me this desire, then why is becoming a mom so hard?
I was no longer praising God. Prayer, church, and Bible study were all saturated with my desperate pleas for God to let me be a mother through pregnancy. Pregnancy became my idol, and, despite what I said to those around me, I was not trusting God with my desires.
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. – Ephesians 3:20-21 ESV
I clung to this verse desperately, but never realized the meaning until, over several months, God finally broke my heart. He showed me that I was desiring a good thing more than the best thing.
Dear friend, motherhood is not the ultimate goal of being a woman. God created you to be in a beautiful, perfect relationship with Himself. He desires to know you and for you to give Him everything.
Everything. Every desire. He is worth more than all of your hopes and dreams combined. Trusting God is worth it because He is worth it.
Your Creator is also good. Through the pain and the heartache, He broke my heart to see the good He had for me.
My journey to motherhood looks nothing like the plan I had envisioned, but it is the sovereign plan of a good Father.
A few months after I cried during the evening church service, I cried in another service while God bent my heart toward adoption.
My husband and I spent our fifth anniversary flying to another country where we would become parents to a toddler.
Recently, we talked about our memories of this trip, and my husband recalled the van ride from the adoption agency to the hotel.
Just moments after being placed in my arms, my son fell asleep. My husband watched our new child sleep for twenty minutes, peacefully napping as we made our way through Seoul. He can still picture this moment, especially the look of utter contentedness on my face. I could not take my eyes off this precious boy. After years of waiting, I was holding my son.
My life is not magically easier now that I am a mother. Each day, I continue to struggle with keeping my identity in Christ. I wrestle with my flesh, repeatedly giving priority to my desires and plans instead of trusting God. During these times, He grants me the grace to look back and see how beautiful His plan is for me.
And I can smile with content greater than that of a new mom holding her child for the first time.
27 thoughts on “Content in Him: Trusting God with My Dream of Motherhood”
As another mom who adopted, I love this post!
Thanks so much Deb!
We’re an adoptive family as well. We went through 7+ years of secondary infertility and I did not handle it well. Honestly, it was ugly. God has always been gracious and taught me important lessons I didn’t even know I needed. His grace has been more than sufficient and healing. Thanks so much for sharing this. God bless you and your beautiful family!
Thank you! Looking back, I am in awe at God’s grace to me during that time. I am thankful for His patience.
Thanks for sharing this…I wish that many of the women in the place where I reside can just understand a woman isn’t less valuable because she isn’t a mother. It is a tough one here where people count nine months from your wedding date and if nothing shows up, they begin to ask different questions.
There are lots of women here who become objects of self pity because of this…and it really infuriates me. Adoption is also discouraged most of the time and you hear people say, when you adopt its shows you are not trusting God for your own child. My heart just bleed for many women in my country. This post is really encouraging. Thank you.
Infertility is a hard road and pressure from others does not make it any easier. I am happy you found encouragement here and pray you can use what God did in my life to encourage the women around you.
Thanks for sharing this story and being vulnerable about the struggle of discontentment. I think it’s one most of us struggle with. I love to see how God takes our expectations and shows us something even more beautiful.
Yes! If only we could always live in light of His goodness and love toward us.
Beautiful! Thanks for sharing your story!!
Thanks for taking the time to read!
Amen, amen, amen. Thank you for this post and for sharing your story, dear Allyson. As my husband and I consider what God’s will is for our family (we don’t have kids yet), my heart needed to read this! God bless you!
I’m so happy that it blessed you. I just prayed for your family and you’re family’s future. Also – It looks like your Finding Joy Ladies Night Out is actually coming near to where I live!
What a beautiful testimony! During the six years I went through infertility I struggled with the same kind of feelings. I had to come to terms with knowing in my heart that God is good even if I was never able to have a child. The road was so difficult and painful. The one thing that brought me comfort was knowing that I had Jesus and nothing in this life could take that away from me. After all those years, God blessed me with 4 children. I will always have a heart for those women longing to become a mommy!
Thanks for sharing your story. God is good and worth it, no matter what happens.
Thanks for your honest sharing of your journey. After reading this and another article with a similar theme this week (think God is telling me something?!) I have felt convicted that “a big family” had become that idol and my definition of big has not been met. But God is providing other ways for me to mother and I know His ways will be good.
It’s hard being convicted of an idol, but His plan is beyond any our mind can fathom. Thank you for reading.
I really appreciate your honesty. Infertility is such a hard journey. How awesome that you’ve allowed God to use you in the midst of your struggle! Thanks for sharing!
I couldn’t imagine our life any other way now! I’m so thankful for the work He did in our hearts.
Oh my goodness, this chokes me up. I completely understand what you’re talking about. Even though I wanted to adopt, I didn’t want to arrive at adoption through the pain of infertility. It wasn’t the way I was supposed to become a mother. Now, I’m so thankful I didn’t get my way, and I can see how God’s plan was better. And I’ll continue to testify along with you that motherhood isn’t the pinnacle of being a woman. It is loving God as His beloved daughter. <3
Our stories sound so similar. Amen to God’s plans being best. If we could get our way, not only would our lives look differently, we would most likely still have a low view of God.
Beautiful. I also want to adopt from Korea but its not as easy anymore. I’ve lived here close to 2 years and my heart breaks for the sweet babes I volunteer with. thanks for sharing your journey!
Holly, thanks for reading! I’m glad we got to connect. Please don’t hesitate to contact me in the future with other adoption questions!
Thank you – I am challenged by your phrase ‘I was desiring a good thing, rather than the best thing.”
“Each day, I continue to struggle with keeping my identity in Christ. I wrestle with my flesh, repeatedly giving priority to my desires and plans instead of trusting God. During these times, He grants me the grace to look back and see how beautiful His plan is for me.” Allyson, this is just beautiful. I have had four children, one miscarriage, and I kept feeling like I shouldn’t be done. I pursued foster care and adoption, dragging my husband along. The Lord halted everything by moving us out of state and allowed me to wait on my husband and Himself. It’s been so hard, but a blessing. Thank you for sharing. It means so much.
Such a beautiful story of God’s redemption! Not only in the adoption of your son, but in the way He drew you back to Him as your first love. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably about a subject that is so heart breaking for so many women!
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