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Note: If you’ve read my first three posts about my journey to motherhood, then this story will be familiar to you. I pray you find additional encouragement to pursue God’s plan for your life.
I sat in the church sanctuary for evening service, listening to several couples tell unique stories of God’s plan to grow their families through adoption. Tears welled up in my eyes as some talked about infertility being the path God used to lead them to their future children.
My tears were not from sympathy. These were angry tears.
I do not want to hear about adoption. I am supposed to become a mother through pregnancy.
The month my husband and I decided to grow our family, we experienced a miscarriage. Devastated, I traveled to the doctor multiple times a week for six weeks due to complications. My husband and I held hands as yet another technician asked, “Is this an OB ultrasound?” I found myself unsure about how to answer each time.
My hCG levels returned to normal, and we decided that we still wanted to pursue growing our family. My emotions spiraled down as month after month passed without another positive pregnancy test.
By the time I found myself in church listening to the panel of families talk about adoption, I was several months past the first anniversary of the miscarriage.
What’s wrong with me? If You gave me this desire, then why is becoming a mom so hard?
I was no longer praising God. Prayer, church, and Bible study were all saturated with my desperate pleas for God to let me be a mother through pregnancy. Pregnancy became my idol, and, despite what I said to those around me, I was not trusting God with my desires.
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. – Ephesians 3:20-21 ESV
I clung to this verse desperately, but never realized the meaning until, over several months, God finally broke my heart. He showed me that I was desiring a good thing more than the best thing.
Dear friend, motherhood is not the ultimate goal of being a woman. God created you to be in a beautiful, perfect relationship with Himself. He desires to know you and for you to give Him everything.
Everything. Every desire. He is worth more than all of your hopes and dreams combined. Trusting God is worth it because He is worth it.
Your Creator is also good. Through the pain and the heartache, He broke my heart to see the good He had for me.
My journey to motherhood looks nothing like the plan I had envisioned, but it is the sovereign plan of a good Father.
A few months after I cried during the evening church service, I cried in another service while God bent my heart toward adoption.
My husband and I spent our fifth anniversary flying to another country where we would become parents to a toddler.
Recently, we talked about our memories of this trip, and my husband recalled the van ride from the adoption agency to the hotel.
Just moments after being placed in my arms, my son fell asleep. My husband watched our new child sleep for twenty minutes, peacefully napping as we made our way through Seoul. He can still picture this moment, especially the look of utter contentedness on my face. I could not take my eyes off this precious boy. After years of waiting, I was holding my son.
My life is not magically easier now that I am a mother. Each day, I continue to struggle with keeping my identity in Christ. I wrestle with my flesh, repeatedly giving priority to my desires and plans instead of trusting God. During these times, He grants me the grace to look back and see how beautiful His plan is for me.
And I can smile with content greater than that of a new mom holding her child for the first time.