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My struggles with infertility start with an early miscarriage. If you haven’t read about that experience, click here.
Our early pregnancy loss devastated me. If God gave me the desire to be a mother, why did I experience this miscarriage? Looking back, I believe that, deep in my heart, I felt I was entitled to a pain-free life. My rapt attention was not on my Savior, but what I believed He should give me.
My miscarriage lasted six weeks and required 1-2 doctors appointments during each of those weeks. Because of the medical needs and the stress of my position, my husband and I decided that it was in my best interest to leave my full-time job. A friend shared a job listing for a part-time position with a local pregnancy resource center. I was blessed to be offered this position and ultimately stayed with this ministry for almost three years.
My miscarriage and subsequent infertility did not impact my job at the pregnancy center, but they impacted every other aspect of my life. I was angry at God. Although God gave me this desire to be a mom, it began to consume me. I positioned the desire over God. I sought a miracle instead of seeking the only One who satisfies.
Overwhelmed by Infertility
I placed all of my energy into conceiving a baby, reading everything possible on causes of early miscarriage and how to prevent one. I found myself crying in an aisle of Target wondering if my aluminum laden deodorant caused me to miscarry. When my attention turned from preventing another miscarriage to just being able to conceive a child, I bought supplements, changed my diet, and exercised. Trying to get pregnant overwhelmed my thoughts and energy. Each day, my number one focus and goal was pregnancy.
After only 6 months, I found myself believing that I would never experience a healthy pregnancy. I placed my identity in becoming a mother, and that identity shattered more each day. Month after month, nothing worked.
A year and a half later, we still had not seen a positive pregnancy test. Many people struggle with infertility for years, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take the pain. I wasn’t sure how many more fake smiles I could give when someone announced a pregnancy. How many fake excuses can you come up with when invited to a baby shower?
I was starting to consider that, maybe, my desire to be a mother was not from God. Because of this, I did one last thing. I bought a book on infertility and Biblical hope. Read the next part of my story here.